treading water

I'm hesitant to blog about my current spiritual state. A year of seminary shook me up in a beautifully frightening way. I find myself relating to comments of a co-worker a little too much for my comfort.

We sat and chatted for a while about her previous life in Phoenix as a struggling artist and aspiring rock star. Finishing her degree at a Bible college, she eventually moved back home and found herself falling in then out of love. After the birth of their son, the man she felt she loved turned into another person. She solemnly told me that one day--three years too late--she woke up and realized she was in love with a dream of who she wanted this man to be.

Our conversation progressed to our picture of the church. I confided, "I hate the way it looks, but I just can't give up on what it could be." To which she replied, "But that's the problem...some day we will wake up and realize we've been in love with a dream of what it will never be."

Seminary brought my soul to the ecstasy of enlightenment and the counter desperation of reality.

The Magical Somewhere

I'm sitting in a coffee shop desperately fishing for any profound thoughts from the past 3 weeks...realizing that often simplicity means boredom.

Then someone exits the shop and tugs my heartstrings. I've seen him here before, struggling to progress, his weight precariously balanced on a walker as his knees unpredictably lunge from beneath him. I want to hold his arm to steady him, but am afraid this will seem like an insult. Then my thoughts drift to the boys at work. Their fear of connection and unpredictable outbursts...again, I feel myself wanting to reach out and steady them, also seeming like an insult.

I wonder if the magical somewhere exists where I can actually help, not solely offering lame contributions to a life full of hardship. Perhaps, there is no magical somewhere, but a "magical" someone.

name this feeling...

I've officially been home for a week. Moving back to Nebraska has been a smooth transition. I've got a newly painted room in the basement of my sister's recently purchased house. Thursday I began work for a treatment center for youth with chemical dependencies. The last three days were spent in Lincoln with those who know me well.

But I still can't name this feeling...

Somewhere between lost and home, alone and known, confused and assured, despair and celebration. It's not great. It's not horrible. It just is...

And the worst part is this unnamed feeling seems to be here to stay.

What I'm Raving About...

My father introduced me to an AmericanPublicRadio broadcast "Speaking of Faith" that you can podcast at speakingoffaith.publicradio.org. And I can't stop referencing it. The host, Krista Tippett interviews people from different faith perspectives and presents a beautifully non-abrasive broadcast that seems particularly necessary for matters of the spirit.

A few archived recommendations:
"Planting the future with Wangari Maathai" examines the journey of one Kenyan female diplomat and her fight to empower the lower class through holistic, ecological means.


"Children and God" a provocative investigation of the spiritual messages that children communicate when they are uninhibited by conventionality. Interview includes Robert Coles a child psychologist that I think is brilliant.


and...

"Jean Vanier: The Wisdom of Tenderness" interviews the Catholic founder of the L'Arche communities for individuals with disabilities with the intent to share life and learn from one another. (I was really touched by this one, particularly because of my work this year.)


*Don't stop there...I've cried through most of the broadcasts because they have such a moving portrayal of human need for the supernatural.

Me in my pew...

Sometimes I have my best thoughts while listening to a sermon. A Word perks my spirit and before I know it I am lost in my journal and cross-referencing. Then I think to myself "Shit! I missed the last 10 minutes of the pastor's thoughts!" Then I think , "Ah Man! I just thought a cuss word in church!" (Can I get an amen, rejoicing in the absence of cartoon thought bubbles in real life?)

So, here's last week's meander from the sermon:

Some of us have been strangely blessed to be ostracized by the church...the divorced and single mom, the couple struggling through a terminal illness, the man everyone knows is drowning his sorrows with alcohol, the elder with a wayward child.

Why are they blessed? Because their sin is involuntarily on the front page of the church newspaper. They aren't given the option of hiding their sin and/or pain. They aren't given the option of social comfort and saving face.

They aren't given the option of covering their nakedness with fig leaves (Genesis 3:8) of false piety.

Or the luxury of denying their need for a Savior...

The funny thing is sometimes we meet these people. And we are amazed by their faith, their joy, their love, etc. But the truth of it all is we are amazed by their nakedness...

Because we are all naked.

And exposure is scary. Exposure is uncomfortable.

But exposure is transforming (Psalm 139).

So why are we still glad to not be them?

Sewing with Heather...

I received a sewing machine for Christmas. With the aspiration of counter-acting the crap produced by Americans...I am seeking ways to use the old to create new...except for the following (of which I bought all new fabric).

It's a lap top bag! Yay for Tiffy! (clap hands)




Another idea though is to create re-usable grocery bags (I did kind of save the world with this project) using old t-shirts...

It's simple:
1. Turn an old t-shirt inside out.
2. Sew along the bottom hem line. Turn right side out.
3. Cut off arms.
4. Trace half-circle around neck line and cut.
5. Rejoice at the diminishing pile of old plastic bags under your sink. Viola!

Meanness...

Confession: I am a mean person.

I'm not looking to be reassured or argued with in this point. Because I, not you, hear my thoughts and feel my heart on a daily basis.

I'm not talking about blunt honesty, I'm talking about--in the core of my being--believing the worst about those who have offended me or those I care for.

I'm ashamed that, more often than not, I do not wish the best for those I do not agree with, but the opposite.

I'm grieved that I do not recognize pain and brokenness as universal... I'm grieved that I often overlook the fact that I too am a member of this broken universe.

saturated...

Notes from Thursday (I'm in class from 8am-10:15pm)

Old Testament Class-
"It's interesting how ageism has infiltrated even the church. See Genesis 12:4. Abraham was 75 when he received the call from God. Can you imagine if our lives only began at the age of 75? An additional benefit would be the wisdom gained through experience. Dear Baby Boomers, Your time of impact can still be before you.

Genesis 22 refers to Jehovah Jirah as Abraham's provider for the symbolic seed. However this name "Provider" carries so much meaning for me (as a farmer's daughter) in reference to actual seed as well. Rain. God's provision. Makes a seed into a plant that produces fruit and multiplies. How beautiful is that?

When I stand and "praise" God but my mind is elsewhere--maybe the act of communal worship is what carries me into the presence of the holy...despite my human depravity, through the divinity of the body."

New Testament Class-
"Who knew that the letters of Paul were placed in the Bible according to length, longest to shortest. In fact, 1 and 2 Thessalonians were the first books chronologically. Seriously?!"

Church History-
"Thomas More (author of Utopia) was more significantly a counter-reformationist who felt extremely passionate about the church and respect for traditional structures. (Ensuing conversation about whether tradition is good or not). This is what I wonder, if tradition more closely paralleled the heart of God to see community in respectful relationship rather than oppression, would current movements against tradition exist?"

*It has snowed three times since the beginning of April. No joke.

a call to repentance

Our sermon on Sunday was on repentance with the thesis that mankind's chief folly is the rejection of reality because it does not fit with their ideal for life. We ended the sermon with a powerful community prayer of repentance and I wanted to share portions of it.

Lamb of God,
who takes away the sin of the world,
empower us to wake up to God’s truth
and turn from our falsehood.

Heavenly Father…
For the many ways we’ve conformed to the
pattern of this world instead of to the image
of Jesus Christ;
We repent and ask for your forgiveness

For living like we were on vacation rather than
as soldiers in a battle;
We repent and ask for your forgiveness

For seeking first the “American Dream”rather
than the Kingdom of God;
We repent and ask for your forgiveness

For consuming more than we need when
brothers and sisters around the world go
without;
We repent and ask for your forgiveness

For the ways we have reduced you to a tribal
God who is on “our side” instead of on the side
of all humans;
We repent and ask for your forgiveness

Lamb of God,
who takes away the sin of the world,
empower us to wake up to God’s truth
and turn from our falsehood.

Heavenly Father…
For having more confidence in the ways of
Caesar than the ways of the Cross;
We repent and ask for your forgiveness

For hating our enemies rather than loving
and serving them;
We repent and ask for your forgiveness

For failing to submit every aspect of our daily
lives to you;
We repent and ask for your forgiveness

For being too busy to notice the hurting,
lonely and lost in our midst;
We repent and ask for your forgiveness

For our unwillingness to pursue relationships
with people whose appearance and culture is
different than our own;
We repent and ask for your forgiveness

For esteeming some people as more important
than others;
We repent and ask for your forgiveness

For not being outraged by the violence and
injustice in the world;
We repent and ask for your forgiveness

Lamb of God,
who takes away the sin of the world,
empower us to wake up to God’s truth
and turn from our falsehood.

Heavenly Father…
For believing the lies people have told us about
ourselves rather than trusting your word about
us, spoken on Calvary;
We repent and ask for your forgiveness

For allowing the promiscuity of our culture to
influence our sexual attitudes and behavior;
We repent and ask for your forgiveness

For judging others as worse sinners than
ourselves;
We repent and ask for your forgiveness

For allowing ourselves to fall into the bondage
of strongholds and addictions;
We repent and ask for your forgiveness

For gossiping and slandering people rather
than blessing them;
We repent and ask for your forgiveness

For praying too little and watching television
too much;
We repent and ask for your forgiveness

For all the lies we’ve told and all the things
we’ve stolen;
We repent and ask for your forgiveness

For failing to live out the radical call of the
Jesus-looking Kingdom
We repent and ask for your forgiveness

Today, I'm muddling my way through Acts and learning, loving, and hating it. One paradox of seminary is that I am continually learning about the sweetness of Jesus, but you are continually feeling like I don't spend time with him.

The weather lately has been lovely (save the 8 inches of snowfall on Tuesday) and it's good to get out for walks with friends or by myself.

It's becoming more and more apparent that I'm leaving the cities in 2 months. My sister, Amanda is painting my room in her new basement. Friends here are planning final getaways. I just submitted my last schedule request. I don't know how I feel about ending things...but I feel like I've been doing it a lot the last few years.